#Kanyadaan – Isn’t it a way of objectifying the woman by the patriarchal society ? #BlogchatterA2Z

K stands for : Kanyadaan


Pic credit : weddingokay.com

Kanyadaan – This hefty word has been very  very hard to digest for her mind , since childhood .

The word Kanyadaan  has inflamed Rekha’s mind whenever it has been used . She still remembers when a day before her marriage , she had overheard her Papa whispering  tensely to her mother ” The groom’s family wants us to keep atleast 200 gm of gold in Jamai Raja’s hand at the time of Kanyadaan ” And she also has a fresh picture in her mind when her Papa had  actually placed a folded cheque along while placing her hand onto the  the Rajiv’s hand . At that moment , Rekha’s mind had started questioning itself again , as it had been questioning since childhood .

Since   childhood  , Rekha   attended many weddings with her parents . At every wedding , she always saw  Pandit G reciting some mantras , asking father of the bride to keep his daughter’s hand in the groom’s hand , and then after pouring some sanctified water on the couple’s hands , the declaration made “Kanyadaan Sampann Hua “. Although she was a child at that time but not so little that she could not translate Kanyadaan . When the innocent mind translated , it used to stir  up her mind , every time . Rekha grew  up from a child to a mature educated girl but the age old Kanyadaan is still the same , it didn’t grow up .  She still has to face  the questions her mind asks, the pressure that the word Kanyadaan creates,  while witnessing any wedding .  Apart from that hefty word  Kanyadaan , another moment which she finds   disturbing is  when she sees  the bride’s maang  filled with red sindoor .

These two rituals , Kanyadaan and Maang Bharo , trouble her mind . Kanyadaan – as if the girl is donated  and is now alloted to someone else  ? Donated ? We donate things/objects  ,  Do we donate human beings too ? And why this donation is only of daughters ? Do I sound wrong ? And the second ceremony of Maang Bharo as if the groom is putting his new ownership mark on the bride .

Is SHE an  object which you are Donating , under the ceremony  name Kanyadaan   ?

Is SHE an object on which you are putting your ownership mark , under the ceremony name Maang Bharo ?

At every wedding , it is always the groom objectifying the woman . Why never a bride putting an ownership mark on the groom ? From the day one , a married girl can be identified by her red bangles , Maang filled with sindoor, mangal sutra , bindi and what not . These are ownership marks that the patriarchal society has made for the woman . But is there any identification mark for a married  man ? Answer is NO .  But Why NO ? Because , the society considers only the woman as an object . History has its proof . Shouldn’t today’s women should also create few such ownership marks for the married man? Like tattooing an ear with with wife’s name or putting a mangal sutra kind of bracelet 😎

On Rekha’s own marriage when her father had placed that folded cheque to cater to the new family’s gold demand , there was a question -answer session  within Rekha’s own mind .  “Two hundred gm gold ???? Do they know how much it costs ? So much Dowry ??? And  they are demanding it  as if it is their right ? Or is it that  they are shopping at a mall and asking  compensation on receipt of a defective item ? Am I a defective item ? ITEM ? How can my post graduation in science make me an item ?  And that too defective ?  And  What are my own parents doing  , why are they fulfilling   groom’s every  demand ? Are my parents bribing  for throwing away their defective item ? ITEM ? What nonsense ?

It’s been 5 months that Rekha’s  parents did her Kanyadaan and also fed the new family’s mouth with dowry  ( Dowry  or Bribe ? I don’t know  ) , the word Kanyadaan is still not leaving her #Astitva . Rekha’s ears still get the irritating dose of taunts like : ” Khaali haath hi aa gyi , Log to apni beti ke kanyadaan par itna kuch dete hain ” or  ” Maa ne rasoi ka hunar sikhaye bina hi daan kar di Kanya ”

My thoughts on the word ‘Kanyadaan’

The word ‘Kanyadaan’  literally  is a unite of  two words Kanya (daughter) and Daan(donate ) . It is a main ritual of Hindu marriages . I don’t know much about the religious importance of Kanyadaan and I don’t even want to hurt anybody’s feelings , But this word ‘Kanyadaan ?? Doesn’t it raise lot many questions in your mind ? Do you really donate your daughter ? Why can’t the couple just unite without the girl being donated to a man ? We talk of breaking free from the patriarchal society but at the same time , we just don’t want to leave this custom of Kanyadaan , which is objectifying the woman .  Isn’t this custom like   watering the patriarchal  society ? Is  your daughter just an object that you donate ? No she is not an object .  She is the one who loved you more than anybody else. She is the one who chirped in your life and made it sweeter . She is your soul .  Then how can you even think of donating her ?  Have you ever thought of Putradaan?  No ? Why not ?  Just because our minds have been conditioned so .  The  society’s minds have been conditioned  that  even today  woman is  considered the  weaker sex at many instances. She needs a man’s hand on her head always , she  needs a protective environment , blah blah blah . When I read my daughter’s hindi book, I still see the synonym of Nari as Abla . What  the hell ?  Which century are we living in ? Abla , Kanyadaan ,  Such words need to be  extinguished , not just  from the dictionaries  but from the minds . No need of Kanyadaan ;  If there has to be some daan , let it be Ego daan  to the Hawan Kund and  let there be Respect daan to each other .  You may want to  keep the Pandit  rituals same but atleast come out of this age old terminology and mindset .


Want to read my post about Woman – Is she really independent ? Click  Here 





Hi, I am Monika, an educationist for the last 17 years and a mom to a daughter for the last 11 years . Give me a hot cup of masala tea with some snacks plus a laptop and I am happy ! My Blog is a mixed bag of my observations ,learnings and experiences . To me , life is love, life is helping & learning from each other. Life is not that complex -We just have to stop overthinking .

You may also like...

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Please wait...


Enter your email address and name below to get the posts direct in your Email
Skip to toolbar